Bugs Ain't as Delishus as they Look..

I ain't got any idea why I thought bugs would taste so good. They taste terrible, ya'll. Every single one of 'em. The lady bug, who I thought would have tasted like a sweet, crunchy M&M tasted bitter and disgusting. The big fat spider who's filling I thought would taste like a delishus Cadbury Creme Egg tasted nastay. Beetles? Well...let's just say they taste like pond scum. I licked many a scummy pond back in my days as a homeless orphan before my human rescued me so I's know what pond scum taste like. Worms? Don't think theyz taste like those gummi worms that are so sweet and yummy. More like a rubber band dipped in mud. Take me back inside, Mom. My fude is a'waitin' for me...

I'm a Cougar!!

Lookey here, youze. I am a cougar ready to pounce. I'm a' looking for a wild gazell to kill and eat as my pray. Have you seen any around? No one can see me. I'm hidin' in this here tall grass and I'm going to git the next animal that crosses my trail. I'm gonna attak, folks. Shhhh...here comes somethin' or someone. *RROOAARR** Oh, oops, sorry about that Kato. Kato is the tiger cat dude that lives in the garage of the house next door who's always up in my bidness. Sittin' outside my window and taunting me. I shoulda whapped him in the nose with my big cougar paw!

I Peed On My Human...

Well, ya'll...today I is very embarrassed. My human mom thought it a was good idea to take me out yonder into the world. I ain't got any idea what was goin on in that head of hers. Firstly, we walk outside and I see these big metal monsters of many colors. Runnin' back and forth, up and down the street. Big ones, little ones, loud ones, quiet ones. They make whooshing noizes with their round, rubber legs. I could see INSIDE these monsters and the humans that they ATE in thar stomaks. It's like the monsters have these see-through parts on thar sides. And they make crazy noises. "Honk, honk" they would go. What does that mean?? Then I look up and see these crazy tall, brown ogre-looking monsters with thousands of arms and green hair. Why are they so tall?? Are they going to reach down and grab me with one of their many arms?? I was sooo scared, ya'll. I was shivering and trembling like a little beatch. I didn't want to die. I'm too young!! I have too much to live for!! So my mom picked me up and I let my bladder do it's thang. Peed right down the front of her. But I's had a good xcuse, right?? I was frightened!!

Feeling Slightly Under the Weather...

Hi Peeps and Friends. Wow..did I just have a major CATastrophe (get it??). Mom filled our food dish and I had to rush in there and gobble it down before that pig Amos pushed me out of the way. How many nights I've had to go hungry because he gulps the entire contents of the food bowl before I've had my share. Well, I wasn't letting it happen tonight. Big mistake. I just projectile vomited all over the hallway wall. I ate way too much Kit -n- Kaboodle. Remember when Old George Bush vomited all over the Japanese Prime Minister so many years ago? That was me a minute ago..."My fellow Americans...BLLEECCCHHHH!!" HAHA. I feel better now, though. I've heard that when you feel nauseaus, you should always lay on your back and take deep breathes. So that's what I'm doing. Thank's for your concern, ya'll.

Who Be Knockin??

Who's knockin' on my door? Announce youself. I see standin there. Youse legs outside my mail slot. I ain't openin' the door for just any old Joe Schmoe. What you want? Are you lookin' for money? I ain't got no pot to pee in. So take off. Are you sellin' sweepers? Go away. I'm scared of those thangs. You Jehoovah witness? Don't waste yer time. My perfekt soul don't need no savin. **HISSSSS*** Take a hike, you. Wait...what?? You ain't kiddin? You'se from them there Publishers Cleering Howse and I've just won a million dollars?? Well, why didn't youse tell me? Come on in? Well, I'll be a monkey's unkle. Now I'll finally be able to get that solid gold litterbox I've had my eye on!!

What Choo Lookin' At??

Haven't ya'll ever seen an oversized foot? I can't help that I was borned deefektive. But I's still almost as normal as the next dude. I just got one foot bigger'n the other. Don't stare. It ain't pollite. Don't call me Sassyquatch. Name collin' ain't nice. I can still do most things any other kitty cat can do. I meow for my dinner, I purr while being petted, I play with cat nip. I just ain't able to run in a straight line. So what if I can only run in circles.

Hey Dingbat!!

Hey Peeps!! Look at me! I am in Amos' precious box. Ooohhh...what's gonna happen now. Is he going to start fisticuffs with me? Is he going to throw me into the dungeon of his "kastle" I'm so scared. I'm shaking in my boots. Uh-oh..looky here. I seem to have stumbled into the rumpus room of the box. Here..let me see what he's got stocked in his bar. Pabst Blue Ribbon? Old Granddad? Ripple??!? Methinks I would rather drink window cleaner. At least he's got a bottle of white zinfandel. For the ladies, no? What a loser!!

Lookit..my Box

Hey Gang! What's up and down and all around?? Now...ya'll may know by now that I aint too hard to please. Gimme a bag...gimme some Nips....and I'm a happy dude. Like today. My human came home and had something wonderfool with her. A box. I mean...who woodn't love a box. It's my own personal kastle. And I'm the head dude of this box. I ain't allowing Snoop in here, no way, no how. She can find her own box. All must bow down to me..King Amos. King of this here box.

Much O Grassy Ass!

Hey Gang!! Whazzup?? I have a new favorite thing! Grass. I cannot believe I ain't never tried grass before. What was stopping me??? Because now that I've done tried it once, I want to have it agin and agin and agin. It made me feel swell. Groovy even. And mellow. Reeeaall mellow. The only problem is that the more grass I ate, the hungrier I got. But that's fine. My human has lots of grass hangin' around the joint. I can have grass anytime I dang well please. If I were a human, I'd put grass in all my fude. It's so delishus. I'd even bake grass into brownies. Hell yeah... I love grass!!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, freaks!!

Hey, Hey Boyd...

Hey, you..boyd. Look at me. What you think youse doing? Sittin outside my window like Mr. King Boyd or somethin. Don't think I ain't got ways and means to get out there and get you...and eat you. Cept, I wouldn't eat you right off. I'd bat you around a little bit. You'd be like my own personal boyd toy. I'd pull all your feathers out just cause it's fun. I'd drag you into the house as a gift for my human. She'd be so happy. I could pitcher her face right now. She'd walk into the house and see a pile of bones and feathers and blood all over. I KNOW she'd be so thrilled. Who wouldn't? She'd pick me up and give me a hug and tell me "You are the best, Amos. What a wonderful present." I ain't foolin, boyd. I ain't stoopid like that cartoon Silvester cat who never gets the boyd. Cause the boyd is smarter. That ain't the case here. Wait...where you goin? Get back here, boyd. Well..you better fly away...cause it was only a matter of time before I figgered out how to get out there and get you...and eat you.

Lollipop Head!

Hi Peeps. I am soooo skinnay. Ain't my head HUGE and my body so tiny?? It's like an orange sitting on a toothpick. This is what happens when Fatso eats all the fude before I can even get a taste. That's OK..because I am faster and more ajole...ajile....agile...yeah, more agile than her. All that Ms. Fatty does is lay on the floor and scream when I jump on her and pull her fur out. She needs to fite back...but I ain't holdin' my breath or else I will DIE of suffikation. Almost like I done when I was playin' with one of the plastic bags my human left out for me to play with. But..I diegress....let me just say, "Snoop...the worst thing you can do to me is sit on me an smoosh the life out of me... Sticks and stones AND your fat ass may brake my bones, but words will never hurt me."

It's Called "Pleasantly Plump"

Hey there Folks. I just had to toss in my two cents worth about Amos and his insistence that I'm O-V-E-R-W-E-I-G-H-T. Don't judge me! I like to imbibe in a Carmel Machiato or two...and I absolutely LOVE saucy French food. It's tres' de'licieux! I just can't help I have a palatte that needs to be pleased; one cannot subsist on Meow Mix alone. I am, and always will be, Rubenesque. I will never be the cover girl for Cat Fancy magazine. Is that a loss for me?? Absolutely not!! Let those skinny, unhappy felines with the bone protruberances pose and paste a fake happy face on their mugs and all the while are wishing for a big bowl of full fat milk. Please don't get offended, ladies and gents, but I really need to use the "f" word here. I will always be FAT and FABULOUS!! Take that - Ignor-AMOS!! Ha-ha. Burn.

I Gots to Have me Some Nips!!

Can't get enuff of these here Nips. I ain't got even a slight idea what it is that makes them like a drug to me. Could it be the explosion of Cheddar Cheeziness in each individual Nip? Or that they are full of such interesting ingreedients...Monosodyum Glue-dimate....now don't that sound delishis or WHAT?? ANd they're REDUCED FAT!! I ain't about to get as big and fat as that there Snoops is. I want to eat Nips til the cows come home....Ima Lovin' Da Nips!!!! Gimme more Nips!!!

Blair Bathroom Projekt...

I just wanna apolijize... It was my fault. I brout Snoop here. I told Snoop to come with me into the scary room with the hangin' extenshun cords and the weird-ass window. I ain't blamin' no one else. I was the one who said, "Clime up and lookit into that window-like thingamabob, Snoop. Find out what's in thar." I am so scared. Because when Snoop looked in there, another dude that looks just like Snoop was lookin' right out at her. I think that dude lives in the window thingy. Is he Snoop's evil twin? Why does he only come 'round when Snoop looks in there. Is he scared of me??? Or are those two fixin' to get me into trouble with the human. Ah...me. It was nice knowin' ya'll. Once that dude figgers out how to get out of that funky window, they are going to gang up on me and I'll be toast!

He Drinks Out of The Toilet...

I really don't think I have to say another word. Those six words say it all. "He drinks out of the toilet." 'Nuff said.

What IS this Doohicky??

It ain't a bed...it ain't a drinking fountin. BUT I can sleep on it AND drink out of it. Snoop may think I'm dummr than a bag of bricks, but I gots a comfy place for some shut eye and refreshing water to drink. I'm done happier than a kitten who fell in a creem jar. YEA-HA!!

Can He Seriously Be This Stupid???

My Peeps!! So I figured I'd be nice for once. Pick Amos as my partner for our weekly Songburst musical trivia game night. He's so absurdly brainless, and I felt bad pawning him off yet again on my human. I could tell my human was getting a little irritated being stuck with dingbat every single time we played. Plus, she was probably annoyed because she was consistently on the losing team. You can only keep your chin up for so long. You can only pretend it doesn't matter so many times. I figured I'd give him all the easy songs. You can't get easier than "Happy Birthday", right? WRONG!! His clue was "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to _____." That moron's answer?? "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to GLUE." GLUE?? GLUE??? I couldn't believe my ears. I was in total shock. Needless to say, he's back being paired up with my human next week. Hey, she brought his dumbass into our happy home, she has to deal with the fallout. It's her fault he's here. I'm terrified of being dumbed down in his presence. Look at his beady little eyes. He needs to keep his eyes half shut because if he opened them all the way, the rest of his brain would leak out. Although, at this point, I can't imagine there is any gray matter in there at all.

I'm a Gift!

Good evening, Boys 'n' Girls. And I don't mean girls are poison. How's it hanging?? Tis I..the gift of the Maji. The gift that keeps on givin'. And, last but not leest, God's gift to all. Wouldn't you love to receive such a treasure on your birthday, or Christmas, or Handukah, or even Kwanzah. I know I WOULD! You would give me a really big skweeze and say, "Gift, I love you now and forever. You are the bestest gift I have ever received." And I would reply, "Natch."

Looook Into My Eyes...

You are getting sleepy...sleeeeepyyyyy!!! You will concentrate on my voice. That's right. What I say goes...from now til forever. Listen to me...You will leave the door open to the scary outdoors so Amos will sneak out to the forbidden land. That which we only see from 3rd floor windows. Will he get eaten by a dog? Or smashed into oblivion on the street by an ice cream truck? Both ways are quite delicious, I must say. Or you will lock him in the closet until there is nothing left of him but a bunch of clanking bones draped in stinky black fur. Yes, you will make him eat a poison plant, maybe a Christmas poinsettia? What a wonderful gift that would be for me. You will force feed him an entire box of chocolate Whoppers. You will accidentally dump anti-freeze into his water bowl. That's right. Thy will be done. Whaahaaahaa!!

Look at Me-a!

Chow, Bellas. I am the world famous, presteejus Italyan chef known as Chef-a Boyardee-a. I am-a making a delishus spageti dinner. I am a-taste testin the-a pasta. It tastes a realla, good-a. Next-a I will add the sauce-a. Ragu-a. Nothing but the best-a. Ah-Salood!

Good times, Good times..

Whoo-eee, playas. It's the time of the seeson for some delishus frosting. The kind where the little mini StayPuffy marshmello man is on the can. Pillberries D'oh Boy. That's it. BOO-YEAH!! Aint' no one got nothing on that dude. As long as he makes the most excellent frosting in the world, I will be a happy guy. You can take that to the BANK!! If Frosting Boy was a Frosting Girl, I'd ask for her hand in holee matrimoney. I'd get to eat my favorite flavor of frosting every day, Vanilla Been Madness A' Go-Go. Huzzah!!!

I Cannot Believe This...

Aloha, peeps. Well...I have reached a new low. How mortifying! I really just have to hope no one of great importance sees me in this predicament. I swear, google the words "Cat Lookin Like a Total Dork" and MY picture will pop up. Why, oh why, does my human do this do me?? Just because Amos prances around here, pretending to enjoy this type of thing because he knows he'll get extra cuddles, doesn't mean I have to accept this humiliation. Just..humiliation to the max, ya'll..

Meet Elmo the Elefant!!

Wazzup folks!! My name is Elmo the Elefant. While Snoop and Amos are on vacation in the Swiss Alps, I will be their guest writer. Let me tell ya'll about myself. I love doing fun elefant things. I flap my ears and fly around cirkus tents, I dance around drunk people in a pink tutu and, best of all, I can eat 3 tons of fude each day. My favorite kind of fude is Elephant Chow. It's chalk full of Elephanty goodness. I like making elefant sounds, too. "Whooo-hoo-dee-hoo." says the elefant. Uh-oh..guess what!? I was foolin'. It's ME, It's AMOS!!! Heehee..had ya'll fooled. I'm not really an elefant. I'm a cat. That's me. Meow....

Ahhhh...

I've had a good nite of playing with bags and I also found a peace of string. Life is goooood, ya'll.

I Can't Believe that Idiot...

Howdy Folks. Well...I'm sitting here watching that idiot roll around and jump in and out of his bag. Could he really be that stupid?? I swear he'd overdose with happiness if you gave him a piece of scotch tape and a rock. Yeah...not too much rattling around upstairs, if you get my drift. Can you see why I can't stand him being around. Like I could ever discuss my love of the art of Kliban with him. Or have a sushi dinner together and not have him gulp it down and puke it all over the place. Maybe if I wanted to see how many shapes of things we can see in a puddle of hairball vomit, he may be the one for me. I would never lower myself. I am too much of a lady.

Look at me!

Hey all you pimps and ho's. My human went to the shoo store and all she brought me back was a lousy bag. I'm Kidding!! This is the best thing in the world. I'm jazzed. I'm as excited as a nun in a kukumber patch. I'm going to go play with my bag now. Hopefully I wont almost suffickate myself like last time.

I Love Bags

I love bags. I love everyting about them. Whether they are paper, plastic, cloth, etc. Bags are da' bomb. I love to climb into them and pretend I'm in hiding. Maybe I'm in the witless protekshun program and I'm hiding from the mafia, or from my human, or from that snobby-assed Snoop. I love to tear stuff out of bags. Garbage, clothes, grosheries. Give me a bag, and I am a happy boy. Ooohh...My human has just got back from her shopping xkursion. Could it be she brought me a bag??? Please, please, please. I've been a good boy. Gimme a bag!!

Don't Blame Me...

Duh, Hi. Let me first off say I ain't got no regrets about musseling in on Snoop's hair space. She ain't never had to fight off 15 other raggy cats to get just one lousy bite of cat fude. And not even GOOD cat fude, but the Walmart version of the jeneric stuff. So someone puts a dish of delicious NUTRA in front of my face, well, dag gum it, I'm gonna munch and munch some more. That bitch need to lose weight anyway. She's obeese and needs....oh.....wait..a FLY! I need to go eat it....

In The Beginning....

Hey Ya'll!! How's it hangin?? Snoop here. Most (or all) of you have no idea who the hell I am, but I can assure you that you know someone like me...a friend, family member, or it could even be you. My life was turned upside down and inside out the day my human brought home an "addition" to our family. This snot-nosed, skinny, wimpy, smelly, dirty, eye-booger toting, bad breath havin', bug eatin' feline version of a hillbilly by the name of Amos. Why did my human do this to me? Life was good before HE came along. My evenings of lazing on the couch, purring and watching Animal Planet, having my delicious dinner served to me on a silver platter and snuggling under the covers to catch a good nights sleep turned into evenings of getting pounced on and my hair torn out, fighting for a smidgen of the now DRY cat food (since Amos had gastro-intestinal problems and couldn't eat a bite of canned food without getting a major case of the trots), and literally being physically pushed out of my own ass groove that had taken me over a year to perfect on the couch. It was buggin''!!

I will get my revenge. Don't get me wrong. It won't be physical. How could it be? I don't have any freakin' claws. Nay. My revenge will be fully psychological. My human will PAY for bringing that skinny, retarded waste into my otherwise perfect life.