I'm a Gift!

Good evening, Boys 'n' Girls. And I don't mean girls are poison. How's it hanging?? Tis I..the gift of the Maji. The gift that keeps on givin'. And, last but not leest, God's gift to all. Wouldn't you love to receive such a treasure on your birthday, or Christmas, or Handukah, or even Kwanzah. I know I WOULD! You would give me a really big skweeze and say, "Gift, I love you now and forever. You are the bestest gift I have ever received." And I would reply, "Natch."

Looook Into My Eyes...

You are getting sleepy...sleeeeepyyyyy!!! You will concentrate on my voice. That's right. What I say goes...from now til forever. Listen to me...You will leave the door open to the scary outdoors so Amos will sneak out to the forbidden land. That which we only see from 3rd floor windows. Will he get eaten by a dog? Or smashed into oblivion on the street by an ice cream truck? Both ways are quite delicious, I must say. Or you will lock him in the closet until there is nothing left of him but a bunch of clanking bones draped in stinky black fur. Yes, you will make him eat a poison plant, maybe a Christmas poinsettia? What a wonderful gift that would be for me. You will force feed him an entire box of chocolate Whoppers. You will accidentally dump anti-freeze into his water bowl. That's right. Thy will be done. Whaahaaahaa!!

Look at Me-a!

Chow, Bellas. I am the world famous, presteejus Italyan chef known as Chef-a Boyardee-a. I am-a making a delishus spageti dinner. I am a-taste testin the-a pasta. It tastes a realla, good-a. Next-a I will add the sauce-a. Ragu-a. Nothing but the best-a. Ah-Salood!

Good times, Good times..

Whoo-eee, playas. It's the time of the seeson for some delishus frosting. The kind where the little mini StayPuffy marshmello man is on the can. Pillberries D'oh Boy. That's it. BOO-YEAH!! Aint' no one got nothing on that dude. As long as he makes the most excellent frosting in the world, I will be a happy guy. You can take that to the BANK!! If Frosting Boy was a Frosting Girl, I'd ask for her hand in holee matrimoney. I'd get to eat my favorite flavor of frosting every day, Vanilla Been Madness A' Go-Go. Huzzah!!!

I Cannot Believe This...

Aloha, peeps. Well...I have reached a new low. How mortifying! I really just have to hope no one of great importance sees me in this predicament. I swear, google the words "Cat Lookin Like a Total Dork" and MY picture will pop up. Why, oh why, does my human do this do me?? Just because Amos prances around here, pretending to enjoy this type of thing because he knows he'll get extra cuddles, doesn't mean I have to accept this humiliation. Just..humiliation to the max, ya'll..

Meet Elmo the Elefant!!

Wazzup folks!! My name is Elmo the Elefant. While Snoop and Amos are on vacation in the Swiss Alps, I will be their guest writer. Let me tell ya'll about myself. I love doing fun elefant things. I flap my ears and fly around cirkus tents, I dance around drunk people in a pink tutu and, best of all, I can eat 3 tons of fude each day. My favorite kind of fude is Elephant Chow. It's chalk full of Elephanty goodness. I like making elefant sounds, too. "Whooo-hoo-dee-hoo." says the elefant. Uh-oh..guess what!? I was foolin'. It's ME, It's AMOS!!! Heehee..had ya'll fooled. I'm not really an elefant. I'm a cat. That's me. Meow....

Ahhhh...

I've had a good nite of playing with bags and I also found a peace of string. Life is goooood, ya'll.

I Can't Believe that Idiot...

Howdy Folks. Well...I'm sitting here watching that idiot roll around and jump in and out of his bag. Could he really be that stupid?? I swear he'd overdose with happiness if you gave him a piece of scotch tape and a rock. Yeah...not too much rattling around upstairs, if you get my drift. Can you see why I can't stand him being around. Like I could ever discuss my love of the art of Kliban with him. Or have a sushi dinner together and not have him gulp it down and puke it all over the place. Maybe if I wanted to see how many shapes of things we can see in a puddle of hairball vomit, he may be the one for me. I would never lower myself. I am too much of a lady.

Look at me!

Hey all you pimps and ho's. My human went to the shoo store and all she brought me back was a lousy bag. I'm Kidding!! This is the best thing in the world. I'm jazzed. I'm as excited as a nun in a kukumber patch. I'm going to go play with my bag now. Hopefully I wont almost suffickate myself like last time.

I Love Bags

I love bags. I love everyting about them. Whether they are paper, plastic, cloth, etc. Bags are da' bomb. I love to climb into them and pretend I'm in hiding. Maybe I'm in the witless protekshun program and I'm hiding from the mafia, or from my human, or from that snobby-assed Snoop. I love to tear stuff out of bags. Garbage, clothes, grosheries. Give me a bag, and I am a happy boy. Ooohh...My human has just got back from her shopping xkursion. Could it be she brought me a bag??? Please, please, please. I've been a good boy. Gimme a bag!!

Don't Blame Me...

Duh, Hi. Let me first off say I ain't got no regrets about musseling in on Snoop's hair space. She ain't never had to fight off 15 other raggy cats to get just one lousy bite of cat fude. And not even GOOD cat fude, but the Walmart version of the jeneric stuff. So someone puts a dish of delicious NUTRA in front of my face, well, dag gum it, I'm gonna munch and munch some more. That bitch need to lose weight anyway. She's obeese and needs....oh.....wait..a FLY! I need to go eat it....

In The Beginning....

Hey Ya'll!! How's it hangin?? Snoop here. Most (or all) of you have no idea who the hell I am, but I can assure you that you know someone like me...a friend, family member, or it could even be you. My life was turned upside down and inside out the day my human brought home an "addition" to our family. This snot-nosed, skinny, wimpy, smelly, dirty, eye-booger toting, bad breath havin', bug eatin' feline version of a hillbilly by the name of Amos. Why did my human do this to me? Life was good before HE came along. My evenings of lazing on the couch, purring and watching Animal Planet, having my delicious dinner served to me on a silver platter and snuggling under the covers to catch a good nights sleep turned into evenings of getting pounced on and my hair torn out, fighting for a smidgen of the now DRY cat food (since Amos had gastro-intestinal problems and couldn't eat a bite of canned food without getting a major case of the trots), and literally being physically pushed out of my own ass groove that had taken me over a year to perfect on the couch. It was buggin''!!

I will get my revenge. Don't get me wrong. It won't be physical. How could it be? I don't have any freakin' claws. Nay. My revenge will be fully psychological. My human will PAY for bringing that skinny, retarded waste into my otherwise perfect life.